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Cultivating, practicing, and sustaining gratefulness as an approach to life is radical – because it flies in the face of internal and external forces which want us to believe the big lie that we need to have more and be more in order to be happy.
One surefire way to transform our lives is to steep ourselves in the power of gratitude. Not the gratitude of thank you notes and good manners. Not the gratitude that reacts, feels indebted, or is solicitous. That kind of “transactional” gratitude – while wonderful and what we have been trained to know – can be highly conditional, occasional, and fleeting. And it rarely feels like enough. The rose fades. The words fade. The moment passes, and we are often left wanting…
Photo by Joy Eli Defaria
By way of contrast, there is a kind of gratitude that can permeate every moment and is lasting; one that precedes and suffuses everything. It is not only a “something good happened” gratitude, or “I got what I wanted” gratitude. It is an “I woke up again today” gratitude, and “I walked into this room already grateful” gratitude. It is a radical gratitude, with a “no matter what happens, I can still feel grateful for something” attitude.
This kind of radical gratitude invites us to experience our lives as living laboratories for feeling thankful, and “full” – encouraging us to lead with vulnerability, respect, generosity, and authenticity. In this way, we can learn to live not just with gratitude, but from it; from that deep well of well-being which never dries up. From this place, we easily give, receive, and ask for what is needed, all with heart, all of it gratefully.
Surely we all crave the ease, resilience, and joy that come from being grateful more of the time. Sometimes we taste it, and it makes our moments delicious. But being grateful more often is not particularly easy. If it was easy, we would probably already be doing it.
…experiences which grant us gratitude fly through our lives like shooting stars – thrilling us, but disappearing as quickly as they came.
What Inhibits Our Gratitude?
So, what keeps us from being able to extend this more unconditional form of gratitude into our lives and relationships more consistently? There are many factors, and I call them gratitude inhibitors. Here are some examples:
Fear – “What if there is not enough?”
Scarcity – “There is not enough.”
More is better – “It’s not enough yet.”
Desperation – “I had better get mine.”
Envy and Comparison – “I wish I had hers/his!”
Lack of entitlement – “I am not enough.”
Entitlement – “I deserve this, and more.”
Denial – “I wish none of this was true.”
Expectations – “It should have been different than this…”
Photo by Hunter Johnson
If you are like me, you can sometimes experience all these inhibitors in any given day or interaction – they often hang out together in bundles! It is no surprise that we need help getting, and remaining, more grateful…and, it is NOT our fault.
We are living inside an economic system, media messaging, and social conditioning that constantly feed these inhibitors; institutions hell-bent on wanting us to crave, compare, consume, grasp, shame and judge. These systems focus on manufacturing discontent, keeping us invested in illusions of separateness and inadequacy and stuck on the hamster wheel of insatiability, no matter what we have. We are encouraged to be class impostors, pretending we have more or less than we really have, and either way, to have our moments of “felt sufficiency” be dwarfed by “felt scarcity.” This makes contentment a far-off land, and experiences which grant us gratitude fly through our lives like shooting stars – thrilling us, but disappearing as quickly as they came.
We need a big re-frame on gratitude; one that keeps us connected and committed to living gratefully, and wedded to the possibility it holds…That re-frame is grateful living.
A Big Re-Frame on Gratitude
Photo by Joshua Earle
Cultivating, practicing, and sustaining gratefulness as an approach to life is radical – because it flies in the face of internal and external forces which want us to believe the big lie that we need to have more and be more in order to be happy.
We need a big re-frame on gratitude; one that keeps us connected and committed to living gratefully, and wedded to the possibility it holds for our lives, our relationships, and the world. That re-frame is grateful living.
Grateful living reminds us that life is a gift, and that there are infinite gifts within this gift. Its invitation is to:
Live as if nothing is promised you.
Look around you. Look inside yourself.
Appreciate the ordinary as extraordinary.
Notice beauty. Nourish love.
Be surprised. Be in awe. Be in wonder.
Recognize your privileges.
Open your heart.
Share your blessings.
It helps us see opportunities and gifts even in our most challenging times.
These intentions and practices inherent to living gratefully can help us cultivate the conditions for greater fulfillment and meaning. They connect us to the “great-fullness” of life. Gratefulness can make ordinary things, moments, and people in our lives “pop” and become more extraordinary. It helps us see opportunities and gifts even in our most challenging times. It can help us marvel at what we already have, and may have long taken for granted. And, it is a huge quality of life, and perspective, enhancer. As Br. David Steindl-Rast says, “It is not happiness that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us happy.”
(Watch A Grateful Day; a beautiful 5-minute video meditation which invites us to live gratefully).
Gratitude During Challenging Times
Photo by Huy Phan
My deep wish – and one focus of our organizational mission – is that we learn to more fully treasure life, and the gifts that we already have, without needing to lose what we love, or nearly lose it, to know and appreciate its profound value…
Isn’t it when things go away, or are lost, that we most feel their importance? Think of an extended power outage, a drought, a broken arm, an illness, or a loved one. And if they come back, our recognition of the blessings they offer becomes so acute, and our gratitude knows no bounds. Then, after a short time, our appreciation often fades again. How can we better learn to take nothing – no thing – for granted? Why do we put off feeling grateful until the conditions are absolutely, just right? Why do we routinely walk past our blessings without acknowledging them? It will serve us to remember that our “just right moments” for showing that we are grateful can sometimes come too late…
Grateful living helps us never forget that we make our most potent difference in the world through remaining connected to what we treasure, what we want to protect, and what truly matters most to us.
Needless to say, these can be challenging times to feel grateful. In this current political and environmental climate, many of us feel buffeted around in storms of grief, outrage, hurt, helplessness, and broken-heartedness for our communities and planet as never before…
But, not remaining grateful for all that is worthy of our gratitude does not protect us or help anyone or anything. Living gratefully is not pollyanna-ish. It is not putting our head in the sand. It actually faces squarely the fact that wonder and suffering live side by side, as do disaster and beauty. Grateful living helps us never forget that we make our most potent difference in the world through remaining connected to what we treasure, what we want to protect, and what truly matters most to us.
The needs of the world are a cry we cannot afford to ignore. The needs of our relationships and communities call loudly for greater love, compassion, and engagement. The needs of our own hearts compel us to crack open and connect. This is why grateful living is so promising for so many people – it offers a direct and accessible path to transform our relationship to life, and in so doing, to contribute to the transformation of our world.
Kristi Nelson is the Executive Director of A Network for Grateful Living. To read more about Kristi visit this page.
Kristi you have such a beautiful way with words. We just watched Oprah’s interview with brother David, and so this piece from you continues that resonant message about grateful living. Both you and Saleem are my teachers in this endeavor. Thank you so much.
I am sure there are many kind people in my circle of family and friends but to me real kindness I feel comes from Mother Nature. She provides me with all I need daily, she neither questions nor judges, her love is ever-present within and without. So I am Grateful to have found this site and the continuous Love that flows from within me. When that fountain is full it floods the outside world with Love too.
thank you..
Kristi: Each time you articulate the why and what of Grateful Living it becomes more coherent, which enables access to practice in the most generous and kind way. I get to…..not I have to! Thanks for your deep and profound laboring, shedding light when it gets cloudy.
With a shining light, Chuck
Kristi, such beautiful and loving energy comes through your writing! It is so helpful and inspiring! A heartfelt thank-you to you and everyone on The Gratefulness Team! Warmest wishes for a beautiful and meaningful Christmas.
Peace and blessings , Sheila ⚘
Dear Kristi
Br David asked us, “What does “justicing” mean to you?
He put this question to us in his, “Deeper then words” after he loving review of Hopkins poem, “When Kingfisher’s catch fire…”….
quoting here ” the just man justices; Keeps grace: that keeps all his goings graces; Acts in God’s eye what in God’s eye he is Christ-for Christ plays in ten thousand places, Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his To the Father through the features of men’s faces.“
Br David explained that this poem helped him to remember that “Christ” was not another name for “Jesus”.
With Christmas approaching and the usual media play with those two names…”Christ” and “Jesus” I feel it important to connect Br David’s question to your .. “In this way, we can learn to live not just with gratitude, but from it; from that deep well of well-being which never dries up.”
With this connection I answer Br David this way ….”Justicing” mean “Christ-ing”. It means living, “from and with” gratitude, “from and with” service, “from and with” love, “from and with” grace, ………….I could go on for hours here, especially when I get to the “nots” such as ..”from and with” not fear, from and with not anger…..so I will stop here.
Your, “from and with” is, yes unfortunately, a “radically” important in to-day’s social communication world where it can easily be mistaken to think that by just putting opinions out ‘there’ one has accomplished something. The old adage, “Actions speak louder then words”, when the “actions” emanate ““from and with” Christ”, (in all Christ’s names), IS the true purpose of Mankind.
I Wish You and Yours a Safe and Joy-filled Christmas
EdS
Strikingly succinct and eloquent, this essay expresses the grateful living path in a manner I had never encountered before. The mindfulness tools shared here will be an essential resource in my daily life and practice. Thank you, Kristi. Melanie
Dear Kristi, It is a wonderful gift to write and share the swirl of thoughts and emotions we all are experiencing these days in one form or another. Kindred spirits give me strength when personal and societal concerns can cloud over the Lights. Your honesty is especially helpful.
I printed out your offering about how to live a grateful life, always but especially at this time! I have read and re-read often. It is noticing those “shooting stars” and being grateful that is so important to make a practice
Thank you for your gift. It is a shooting star that can fill the darkness. A wise friend uses familiar words that give whole new meanings. De-Light.
Missy
Thank you for these wise words Kristi. When language is just right. When it captures things we understand but that become easily obscured by the crush of culture, it is not only a delightful experience, but also deeply necessary. With much gratitude, Dale
Excellent point and appropriate at Christmas time. Life is far more to be grateful than obtaining image and wealth or things. Thanks so much for the post
Dear Kristi, thank you for this essay (it is very encouraging to me personally) and thank you for all the work you do to help bring the transformative power of grateful living into our world. Namaste, Cynthia
Kristi – this is beautiful, and for me frames the work of the Network for Grateful Living in such clear, accessible language. I especially like how you point out that this way of thinking, feeling and living is not “Pollyanna” – as that argument is one of the greatest points of resistance I feel from others as I try to share my own grateful approach to living. We are surrounded by so much cynicism and fear. So thanks for providing some language around this that I can easily share!
Thanks again – I plan to share this message widely. I am grateful for the Network for Grateful Living!
Kristi, Such a beautiful teaching. It prompts me to share a paragraph from a recent email that I received from my 94 year old uncle who is now walking with a cane but still mows the lawn and has been gifted with a mind that is still clear as the pure sound of a single bell. I think the first line of this quote says so much about living gratefully. Here’s how Amos puts it::
“I have recently come to the conclusion that if I was fated to a longer life I had better try keeping in shape to enjoy it. I tell the kinder that I am learning again how to walk and I am also getting back on the computer somewhat trying to keep up with it’s constant change. I have cranked up a small portfolio of investments operated from the computer and hope to improve on the local banks one tenth of one percent checking account performance. The Carl Sagan Cosmos Program of the 1980’s is available and since I didn’t see it then I’m enjoying it now. I have always thought Sagan was the best for portraying evolution and the universe to we mortals.” SUCH WISDOM!
To quote Rumi: “Thankfulness brings you to the place where the Beloved lives.”.
Jalaluddin Rumi
Camille and Kabir Helminski’s RUMI: JEWELS OF REMEMBRANCE
Carol, your uncle is a true inspiration! Thank-you for your sharing!
Many blessings! ?