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…we don’t have to wait around for the things we want to happen to feel grateful. We can simply find things to be grateful about no matter what happens, or how far afield we may be from what we desire.
Photo: Burst/Unsplash
I used to think of gratitude as a spontaneous response to good things happening. In recent years, however, I have come to understand that gratitude is much more than an automatic byproduct of positive experience. Gratitude can actually be our emotional and intellectual baseline, if that’s what we choose.
What I mean is, we don’t have to wait around for the things we want to happen to feel grateful. We can simply find things to be grateful about no matter what happens, or how far afield we may be from what we desire. From this vantage point, everything we experience gives us something to appreciate, no matter how difficult or seemingly inconsequential it might be.
I saw this modeled recently by a workshop leader who enacted smashing his thumb with a hammer. After shouting bloody murder, he said, “Boy am I glad that doesn’t happen very often.” And then, “Wow, check out all of that sensation in my thumb! I’m so glad I have nerves to tell me that I have injured myself.”
It is uncommon to interpret an unfortunate event with gratitude. But this leader demonstrated that it is always an option. When we find ways to appreciate a difficult experience—or at least use it to appreciate how great our life was before and after it happened—we set ourselves up to feel empowered. After we experience our feelings, we get to decide how the events that happen to us affect us.
A few weeks in, when I knew conclusively that my body would keep going no matter how sad I was, I focused on that: being alive.
My first memory of choosing gratitude over, say, revenge was in college. I had broken up with my first love, and the emotional pain was so intense that I feared it would kill me. A few weeks in, when I knew conclusively that my body would keep going no matter how sad I was, I focused on that: being alive. If I had survived this heartbreak, I could expect to survive the losses of future loves to come. This was good news! When I shifted my gaze from pain to gratitude, I stumbled into discovery.
And of course, this loss helped me trust that I could weather the disappointments of my literary life as well. Over the years, I have come to appreciate each publication that rejected my work for the opportunity to work harder, write better, and find a truer fit for my work. And I have deeply appreciated the teachers, editors, colleagues, and writing group friends who have given me uncomfortable feedback that has challenged me to grow.
In every so-called mistake, failure, and disappointment, I have been further refined. There has been so much to appreciate.
Of course, every day of our lives, endless things also go right. Choosing gratitude doesn’t just help us transcend our bad fortune. It also helps us integrate our good fortune. Gratitude is just as important—and just as easy to overlook—when things are going well as when they’re not.
When we show up for the difficult conversation; when we make the generous choice; when we stay with the hard stuff until it becomes a bit gentler…these are all opportunities to appreciate ourselves.
Photo: Joshua Oluwagbemiga/Unsplash
When we acknowledge ourselves for our persistence, it can make a significant difference in our endurance and our mood. When we show up for the difficult conversation; when we make the generous choice; when we stay with the hard stuff until it becomes a bit gentler; when we risk failing to try something that matters; when we make a mistake and learn from it; these are all opportunities to appreciate ourselves.
When we notice and acknowledge how capable and courageous we are, we anchor this in our being. We start to learn that we can count on ourselves. Whether or not we ultimately achieve the result we want, we have numerous successes to refer to that can help us more deeply receive our epic wins or more effectively redirect our efforts to try again.
A writer friend told me that when his first book came out, he sent out a wave of thank-you letters and emails to all the people who had influenced his thinking and writing. Then he launched into all of the mandatory marketing and press outreach. He explained that framing the whole experience in gratitude reduced his anxiety about whether the book would sell and changed his approach completely.
Gratitude anchored him in the field of influence from which his book was called into existence, and it kept his focus on the service his book was offering. This quickly put his book in the hands of a global community seeking his wisdom.
When we focus on problems, we generate dissatisfaction and resentment. When we invest in fears, we can destabilize ourselves. But when gratitude is the ground on which we stand, we can be satisfied with life exactly as it is and relax into the unknown, while becoming more receptive to all that we desire.
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good morning, Sage,
it is hard to find gratitude in the midst of this pandemic. i wake up most mornings feeling depressed and scared. one of my first acts is to find something i can be grateful for, some inspiration to start my day and to share with others. you have given me some of those and i am grateful, tho it is still very hard for me to shake off the depression and fear .
Dear Sage: This piece is so helpful and what I needed to read this morning. Thank you very much. I’m struggling to come to terms with all the mistakes I made over the past 4 years of my life. I had a relatively problem-free ride before then, so having to face the task of incorporating perceived “failure” into my awareness of who I really am has been an ordeal. Forgiving myself does not come easily. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this, and that there is a way to see “problems as opportunity for change.” So grateful to you for this and to all on this forum.
Dear Cailinrua: I’m thrilled to hear this piece was of comfort to you. These so-called failures can be such rich compost for our evolution as we learn about who we are, what we want, what is workable, and what can be released. Wishing you well on your journey!
Dear Sage: Thank you for your blog. I realize now how I created an ongoing feeling of having been traumatized for the past several years. I’d believed that talking/sharing about those difficult days, might release them. But, I could also tell that I was just ‘stirring up the mud.’ The last paragraph of your blog helped me to see that even though I believed I was ‘just’ honestly and accurately reporting on the events as they had occurred, I was describing the events as “problems,” and it is that perspective that has kept me with the dissatisfaction and resentment as you so well pointed out. What generated and maintained a kind of PTSD now seems so obvious. And now the solution is obvious, too. Thank you so very much.
Dear Ann: I am so thrilled to hear that this post helped you find your power and your freedom! Here’s to telling a story that fills you with satisfaction and makes even the hardest times stepping stones to healing!